Reacting to an angry mob of Santa Clarita residents who stormed City Hall over the weekend demanding relief for high gas prices, three City Councilmembers announced “sweeping alternatives” for weary, cash-strapped SCV motorists who continue to feel pain at the pump.
The three council members - Laurie Ender, Laurene Weste, and Frank Ferry- worked on their proposed solutions separately but made the announcement together on Monday at City Hall.
“For months now, Santa Clarita families have struggled to reconcile their check books with their desire to own the latest, biggest, toughest SUVs available on the market,” Laurie Ender said. “This simply cannot be allowed to stand any longer,” she said to scores of cheering mortgage moms.
“That’s why at the next City Council meeting, I’m going to introduce a motion that will let Santa Clarita families keep their Hummers and Ford Expeditions and increase their gas mileage at the same time,” Ender said.
Ender then unveiled a plan to transform all of the city’s major and minor intersections into English-style roundabouts, replacing all traffic lights with Yield signs and concrete intersections with grassy, circular medians.
“This proposal ensures that no Santa Claritan will have to burn fuel in their SUV while waiting at McBean & Valencia,” she said. “Instead of stopping, they can just roll right on through, which should increase their gas mileage by 20% and allow them to get to the mall faster” the first term City Councilwoman announced.
Reaction was mixed to Ender’s proposal, with some calling it “crazy” while others were clearly excited by the possibility of storming through the valley’s crowded intersections by using a roundabout.
Councilmember Laurene Weste’s solution to high gas prices was even more innovative and earth-friendly, if a bit messy.
The long-time Councilmember and horse enthusiast said she would ask the City Council to vote on a proposal that would give Santa Clarita residents the choice to trade in their gas-guzzling SUV for a late model equus caballus, or horse.
“To solve the energy crisis in the Santa Clarita Valley, we don’t need to look to a dubious future of hydrogen-powered vehicles. As with many things in life, our answer to this problem lies in our own traditions: the horse and the horse drawn-buggy,” Weste said, from atop her muscular black Arabian named “Pride of the Weste.”
Weste said her sweeping proposal would allow horses to travel on all major streets, mandate the installation of feed and water troughs at major shopping centers and require businesses and government offices to designate 20% of their parking as stables.
Weste said the city would also offer trade-ins for lower-income residents who owned older, cheaper cars. For those types of vehicles, the city would offer the motorist a choice between an American mule, a Mexican burro, or an Egyptian camel.
“All these quadraped models offer excellent mileage, features, and a low carbon footprint,” Weste said.
“I was on a hike last year in the so-called Towsley Canyon park, and I saw black crude oil seeping up onto the surface, and I realized that we don’t need to import our oil from Saudi Arabia, Alaska, or even other parts of California. We have all we need right here,” the conservative Republican Council member said.
Ferry says his plan is to ask the County to open the Towseley Canyon Michael D. Antonovich Open Space Preserve to commercial oil drilling and to restart the long-dormant oil wells in Pico Canyon, including the famed Pico #4, long thought to be dormant.
Ferry says that if all goes according to his plan, the SCV will increase its supply of light sweet crude oil which will help lower prices at the pump.
As for the environmental consequences of the plan, Ferry shrugged, saying that Mother Nature would have to take a “back seat” to Santa Claritan’s desires to drive the largest and most fuel-ineffecient vehicles available.
All three plans will be discussed at next week’s City Council meeting.
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