Dear Saugus,
I know we were tight once. I used to enjoy being with you, hanging out with you, and visiting you. We had a good, respectful relationship. You had what I needed, and I gave you what you wanted.
But this year, it’s all changed. And not for the better, I’m sad to say.
First, I can’t tell you how upset I am that you’re complaining about that fabulous new bike lane we gave you. I mean, for real, it’s a bike lane. You’re whining and complaining like we took all the stop signs out from your neighborhoods, or deliberately timed all the lights to screw with your morning commute or removed the manhole covers on Bouquet. Get real. Why don’t you try riding a bike for once? I didn’t want to say anything, but you’ve let yourself go over the years; a few pedal revolutions up Decoro might help!
As if that wasn’t enough, you stole Trader Joe’s from the rest of us and and put it behind the two worst intersections in Santa Clarita, both of which are in your area. I know I speak for Newhall, Stevenson Ranch, Valencia and yes, even Canyon Country (though they’re really happy with that new KFC, I hear), when I say that we really resent you hogging The Joe all to yourself there on the corner of Bouquet and Newhall Ranch Road. You already have the only major electronics retailer in town. You already have Ross: Dress for Less. You have Central Park and Central Bark. Why did you have to go and take Trader Joe’s from us? (answer: you’re mean and petty, that’s why!)
Not cool Saugus. Not cool.
Finally Saugus, it turns out that you can’t even have a good time anymore. When we first met, you were all hip and cool; we used to cruise together, make lots of noise, and cause scenes. Now though, I hear, you’re like a grumpy old man, shouting “Hey you Kids get off my lawn!” What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Oh I think you do. Everyone who goes to the Central Park Summer Concerts knows that the volume for bands like Led Zepagin and No Doubt is kept deliberately low so as to not offend you at 8pm on a Saturday night. Oh deny it all you want Saugus, but we know. We know.
Now you know me Saugus. Normally I’m not the type to get all up in your face. But you’ve pushed us too far. Cut it out or we’re going to kick you out of our club, okay?
Sincerely,
Santa Clarita